my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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