I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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