Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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