My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
