Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
