just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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