i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
