Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
