No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
