I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
