I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
