my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
