I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
