You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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