don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
