Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
