just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
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