Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
