her facebook's as public as her vagina
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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