I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
