Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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