I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
