I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
