I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
