Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
