Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
