i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
