And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
