I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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