i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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