My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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