I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just cut my nipple shaving
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
