You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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