just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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