I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I think I just sharted jello shots
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
