I accidentally had phone sex last night
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
