just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
