You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
