half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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