He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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