i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
