Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
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