I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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