So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
