Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
