i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
