The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
there is puke in my bra ... again
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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