I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
