I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
