Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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